Silence
Funny how I use to feel at piece when there was silence in my house. Now I panic when it suddenly is quiet. I just know Im going to hear a crash and some crying very soon.......
On breastfeeding
My son is now almost two and is past all nursing needs. But I wanted to share my breastfeeding story with new moms out there because I hope my experience and thoughts can help other women out there who find themselves in my shoes.
When I was pregnant I knew KNEW I would breastfeed for the first year of my childs' life. I was never on board with the idea of breastfeeding into toddler-hood but I knew formula would never hit his lips. Nope. It was going to be nothing but boob until a cup of cows milk was approved by the doc. Like all my other motherhood plans this didn't exactly work out.
Riley was born 5 weeks early. He was very healthy (just a little jaundice) but he was just too little to be able to latch on. We worked with a number of very good lactation consultants and were told over and over again that this is extremely common with preemies. We got him a bottle that had a naturally shaped nipple (this was suggested by the consultants) and I was given a nipple guard Which is a suction cup thingie that fits over your nipple to help with latching on. Riley never did get the hang of latching on without the guard but we were making do and I was pumping like crazy. He never could get a full meal just from the breast. He just got too tired. So normally we'd start there and end with the bottle (filled only with breast milk of course). This worked for the first couple months.
Then I dried up. To this day I don't really understand why, I was pumping, he was nursing, but I just couldn't produce enough any more. And I still couldn't get Riley to nurse a full meal. I cried all the time. I was begging my boobs to produce. Then, when I found myself in the bathroom at 2am desperately pumping and crying and hoping I could get enough to get Riley through the night, I realized I had to start with formula.
Now I totally agree that breast is best. And I am the first to tell a mom that if they can breastfeed they should. But looking back, I get angry at myself and the world we live in for the pure guilt I felt for months. Every time I bought formula I wanted to hide it in my cart because I knew other moms would see it and think I was not putting my son first in my life. I felt like everyone would judge me as a bad mother if they knew I wasn't breastfeeding. But eventually, thanks to encouragement from family and friends (and a wonderful husband of course) I finally found peace in my decision.
My son was a formula baby. He is happy and healthy. And it didn't affect the bond we have at all. So please. Before you harshly judge that mother with the formula in her basket at the grocery store, remember that some mothers just cant breastfeed. Its no ones fault. And if you find yourself a new mom dealing with guilt because you use formula (for whatever reason, the decision is up to you) take a breath. Your baby will be fine and its worse for them to have a mom that beats up on herself then to be fed formula.
When I was pregnant I knew KNEW I would breastfeed for the first year of my childs' life. I was never on board with the idea of breastfeeding into toddler-hood but I knew formula would never hit his lips. Nope. It was going to be nothing but boob until a cup of cows milk was approved by the doc. Like all my other motherhood plans this didn't exactly work out.
Riley was born 5 weeks early. He was very healthy (just a little jaundice) but he was just too little to be able to latch on. We worked with a number of very good lactation consultants and were told over and over again that this is extremely common with preemies. We got him a bottle that had a naturally shaped nipple (this was suggested by the consultants) and I was given a nipple guard Which is a suction cup thingie that fits over your nipple to help with latching on. Riley never did get the hang of latching on without the guard but we were making do and I was pumping like crazy. He never could get a full meal just from the breast. He just got too tired. So normally we'd start there and end with the bottle (filled only with breast milk of course). This worked for the first couple months.
Then I dried up. To this day I don't really understand why, I was pumping, he was nursing, but I just couldn't produce enough any more. And I still couldn't get Riley to nurse a full meal. I cried all the time. I was begging my boobs to produce. Then, when I found myself in the bathroom at 2am desperately pumping and crying and hoping I could get enough to get Riley through the night, I realized I had to start with formula.
Now I totally agree that breast is best. And I am the first to tell a mom that if they can breastfeed they should. But looking back, I get angry at myself and the world we live in for the pure guilt I felt for months. Every time I bought formula I wanted to hide it in my cart because I knew other moms would see it and think I was not putting my son first in my life. I felt like everyone would judge me as a bad mother if they knew I wasn't breastfeeding. But eventually, thanks to encouragement from family and friends (and a wonderful husband of course) I finally found peace in my decision.
My son was a formula baby. He is happy and healthy. And it didn't affect the bond we have at all. So please. Before you harshly judge that mother with the formula in her basket at the grocery store, remember that some mothers just cant breastfeed. Its no ones fault. And if you find yourself a new mom dealing with guilt because you use formula (for whatever reason, the decision is up to you) take a breath. Your baby will be fine and its worse for them to have a mom that beats up on herself then to be fed formula.
Hardest part of having a toddler?
FLYING! We're going on an all day flight with my squirmy 21 month old next week. If anyone gives me a dirty look I might hit them. Then get arrested by TSA. Look for the headlines
Distraught Mother of a Toddler Arrested on Flight for Assulting Man Sitting Next to Her
Back to Work
When I had Riley I always thought I would be a stay at home mom till he was at least in school. For financial reasons (and ... gulp heres the guilt....personal reasons) I'm looking for a job. We're moving back to our hometown in Washington (also something I didnt think we would actually WANT to do, but we are so excited to go back) and I've got 2 interviews next week. I'm also looking into daycare. I never never thought I would put him in child care. But he's almost 2 now. And heavens knows I need NEED to be around adults once again. I'm dealing with the guilt of realizing that I loved the working world and really want to go back.
motherhood is hard.
Seriously. I know I know. You've heard this before. So had I. But you really REALLY don't know how hard it is until your there. Before I had my son, Riley, I thought "its going to be so great when I have kids. I love children. I've did a lot of babysitting when I was a teenager so I know how it goes. No sweat." Then reality hit .... hard. Here's my story.
My husband and I got married in 2008 after we graduated from college and left the small town we grew up in to hit the big city: Boston. Got our selves a super cute (albeit small) studio apartment in the swanky Back Bay neighborhood and set about looking for jobs. Found a great job at a start up Insurance firm and got to work building my career It was all planned out. I'll work till I'm about 30ish, pay off the loans, save up some money then we'll start on the kids. Then it happened. A positive pregnancy test.
We weren't devastated or anything. It was a bit earlier then we had planned. But I had the ring on my finger so I knew at least my parents wouldn't come after my husband with a shotgun or anything. No. We can make this work. As my tummy grew I dreamed of what my new life was going to be. I was going to be June Cleaver. My husband would come home from work to find a well dressed wife with a happy kid in a clean house and a warm meal on the table ready to eat! I was going to have a well behaved son that fit neatly into all my plans. Should have known this wasn't going to happen when my son, Riley, decided to show up 5 weeks early.
Over the last two years I worked really hard to create that 1950's dream I had and feeling so much guilt you'd think I was catholic. But as I sit here in my messy house, wearing PJ's (I'm not even going to talk about whats happening with my hair right now) praising the lord that the kid is finally napping I realize something. My son is a very happy child. My husband is a very happy man. And I'm a very happy woman.
I'm starting this blog to give myself a bit of an outlet. Motherhood has turned out to be very different then I ever imagined. This is, of course, a familiar thought to all those mothers out there. But I needed a place to throw out all those insane mother thoughts and feelings that I feel everyday without driving my Facebook friends crazy. So here it is. This will be the longest post, by far. Most will be a couple sentence thoughts or maybe a few online links to things I think are interesting in the world of Moms'. This is not an informational blog. This is not a blog that I'm going to use as a soapbox on what I believe is the "right" parenting style. This is only to hopefully give you a laugh or a moment to think. I encourage comments, but I wont publish any comments about why I "wrong" for letting my kid cry it out or how I'm a bad mother for not breastfeeding for the whole first year. This is just a fun reality check. So here it is...... Musings of a Not So Perfect mom!
My husband and I got married in 2008 after we graduated from college and left the small town we grew up in to hit the big city: Boston. Got our selves a super cute (albeit small) studio apartment in the swanky Back Bay neighborhood and set about looking for jobs. Found a great job at a start up Insurance firm and got to work building my career It was all planned out. I'll work till I'm about 30ish, pay off the loans, save up some money then we'll start on the kids. Then it happened. A positive pregnancy test.
We weren't devastated or anything. It was a bit earlier then we had planned. But I had the ring on my finger so I knew at least my parents wouldn't come after my husband with a shotgun or anything. No. We can make this work. As my tummy grew I dreamed of what my new life was going to be. I was going to be June Cleaver. My husband would come home from work to find a well dressed wife with a happy kid in a clean house and a warm meal on the table ready to eat! I was going to have a well behaved son that fit neatly into all my plans. Should have known this wasn't going to happen when my son, Riley, decided to show up 5 weeks early.
Over the last two years I worked really hard to create that 1950's dream I had and feeling so much guilt you'd think I was catholic. But as I sit here in my messy house, wearing PJ's (I'm not even going to talk about whats happening with my hair right now) praising the lord that the kid is finally napping I realize something. My son is a very happy child. My husband is a very happy man. And I'm a very happy woman.
I'm starting this blog to give myself a bit of an outlet. Motherhood has turned out to be very different then I ever imagined. This is, of course, a familiar thought to all those mothers out there. But I needed a place to throw out all those insane mother thoughts and feelings that I feel everyday without driving my Facebook friends crazy. So here it is. This will be the longest post, by far. Most will be a couple sentence thoughts or maybe a few online links to things I think are interesting in the world of Moms'. This is not an informational blog. This is not a blog that I'm going to use as a soapbox on what I believe is the "right" parenting style. This is only to hopefully give you a laugh or a moment to think. I encourage comments, but I wont publish any comments about why I "wrong" for letting my kid cry it out or how I'm a bad mother for not breastfeeding for the whole first year. This is just a fun reality check. So here it is...... Musings of a Not So Perfect mom!
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